Apple is Boring [SATIRE]

Apple might be the most straight-forward, boring brand marketer in the world.


Their emails have headlines. Seriously, I just got one. Right after their big product launch today. Perhaps you heard about it? I could hardly believe my eyes as I read the email. I just kept thinking — Headlines! Email?!? And these emails! They always talk about product features and benefits. And have a clear call to action. Just one!

Talk about text book. It’s like they watched a how-to video on “writing effective emails.”

Speaking of videos. No. Please. Don’t get me started on their videos! Their product videos show the products. Yes, I know. The. Products. That’s not the worst of it. They use employees for the voice overs. Can you imagine? And they show the technology inside. They pop open the hood and take a peek at the engine.

Talk about non-creative.

Partly because I was curious, but mostly because I was incredulous, I cli

cked on their “call to action” button. It took me to their website. Oh, yeah. Just what you would expect. Their “new” product right there on the home page. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Their website shows products? Oh, and get this. They stream their live event. You know, the live event where employees stand on a stage and demo products. Oh yeah, and a perfunctory celebrity shows up at some point. A rock band or some such nonsense.

Talk about product launches for dummies. What’s with these guys?

Haven’t they heard that email is dead and social media is king or about creating branded entertainment or about complex real-time brand newsrooms during red carpet events or sponsoring big ticket sporting events or native advertising or neural marketing or branded content or … ???

What’s the matter with these guys? Don’t they care about being on the leading edge of marketing innovation? Why do they just keep doing the same things that marketers have been doing for decades? It’s sooooo boring. So text book. So … so proven. Sheesh.

I guess they are just a bunch of engineers too busy making products people seem to fawn over to care about doing anything creative with their advertising and promotion.

Somebody really should tell them.

It’s getting embarrassing.

This post originally ran on LinkedIn.